To Love And Lose
by ZedPM
Summary: What could have happened on the night of the attack? The communication mirror saved James's life, but what will he do without Lily and Sirius? Can he save them? Can he stand not to?
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer-I own nothing you recognise.**

**An-ok, tell me if this is bad, but I had the idea and I was thinking about it for ages, so I thought I'd write it…review?**

James ducked the curse and heard something shatter behind him but didn't look round - it didn't matter now, whatever it was - one second's lapse in concentration and he was a dead man.

_Harry and Lily..._

Fumbling in his pocket with one hand he shot his own curse at his opponent with the other - which he deflected, the rebounded jet of light hit the window, sending shards exploding outwards in a glittering shower of razor sharp, jagged debris. He tried again but Voldemort flicked his wand almost lazily and the fresh jet of light, rather than rebounding, turned into a snake which reared towards James, jaws open wide, long fangs dangerously close to its would-be prey – James whirled his wand and it vanished with a whip-crack and a mocking laugh from his opponent,

'You need not fight, Potter, you will not win...' James ignored Voldemort's taunting and finally succeeded in extracting the mirror from his pocket,

'SIRIUS!' He yelled into it, '_SIRIUS_!' He dodged another of Voldemort's killing curses and glanced at it frantically -

'What? James - what's going on?' A man with elegant black hair and concerned grey eyes appeared in the mirror, evidently terrified and trying desperately to see what was going on beyond the parameters the mirror allowed him...Voldemort couldn't have, could he? He couldn't have…Peter wouldn't…he wouldn't betray them; Lily and James had trusted him with their lives, their son's life. He would never…it was impossible; he must have found another way…no, no...

It took barely a second for his fears to be realised as James shouted a panicked answer to his question, then -

'I'm on my w –' The jet of green light didn't let him complete his sentence. It hit James, and he was thrown back against the wall with earth shattering force, the mirror bursting into a thousand tiny pieces. James Potter knew no more.

8-8-8

James blinked blurrily and sat up…what had happened? He rubbed his head and felt a small trickle of blood seeping out from under his hair, frowning in confusion but stopping when he figured out it hurt to do so. He looked around at the wreckage of the room, the shattered window, the broken wardrobe, the tiny bits of mirror scattered around like dust over everything…

What had happened? Wh – he shot to his feet as fleeting memories of the battle returned to him – Voldemort – the attack – Harry and Lily!

Ignoring the throbbing pain in his head he scrambled to his unsteady feet and tore out of the room in search of his wife and son, lurching around corners and banging into walls as he went, no caring, as long as they were ok...they had to be ok...please _please_, let them have escaped, let them by some miracle have got out...he'd give anything...

Bursting through a door – he had lost track of which in his frantic search, his heart stopped. Beating fit to burst in his chest just seconds before, it seemed to have frozen in shock as much as the rest of his body – it could not be happening, this could not be _real_ – no, no...

'Lily...' He stepped forwards as if in a trance, his throat closing up and salty tears rising into his eyes; he made no attempt to stop them, falling to his knees beside her head, beautiful even in death, though her green eyes no longer shone with the power and light they once had. Numbly, fighting paralysing nausea, he reached out and gripped her wrist, unsure whether he was checking for a pulse or merely trying desperately to gain some comfort from contact with her, any contact...she could not be dead, it didn't make sense...if Lily was dead...if she...no – _no_ – Harry – his son – his son – no, no no no, not him too, _please_...

He whipped around, hardly daring to believe it when he heard the tiny sound – holding his breath – _he was there_. Harry was alive. James reached out as if uncertain his hands could really make contact with this miracle, his son, _his son_...he scooped him up, wrapping his arms around Harry's small body protectively, feeling like he would never let go...

_How?_ Was all he could think, how was he alive, how was Harry alive? Sudden terrible realisation spread across his face and he almost swore aloud, no, not him too, it couldn't be…he felt as though he would suffocate with the lump rising in his throat, felt like he would die with the pain in his chest...he couldn't stand it...

How long he sat there, he didn't know, but his legs had gone numb beneath him by the time anything moved within that house.

'James? Lily?' Jerking around to face the door, he heard Hagrid's familiar voice ringing through the house but, though he wanted to move, wanted to stand, found he couldn't. It was as if he had been turned to lead, he felt so heavy and so light headed at the same time, his lungs felt like they were being ripped out and for a moment he wished he _had _died.

The half-giant pushed the door open and peered in, his own face wracked with fear and already settled grief.

'Hagrid…Voldemort…I…but Lily…and…' He stammered. Hagrid didn't speak…he couldn't. Then, coming to a sudden decision, he stumbled to his feet – he needed to do this before he lost his nerve, he couldn't leave Harry – but he couldn't stand not knowing, he had to find out...he felt sick...

'Hagrid…will…I need you to – to look after –can you look after Harry – I need to…it's a long story but…I need you to look after Harry while I go to Sirius' – don't let him out of your sight, I swear Hagrid, please, I need – just keep him safe.' He screwed up his face at the expression on Harry's face as he pressed the baby into the half giant's arms; it was almost like betrayal. But he had to, he had to know...he tore his eyes away from Harry's – Lily's – and refused to look back. He couldn't have left if he had, and couldn't have waited for someone else to find out...

'Yeah, bu' James – '

'I haven't got time Hagrid. S – Stay here, look after him…I - I'll be back as soon – as soon as I can.'


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer-If I was JK Rowling, I would know what happens in the seventh book, as it is, I have to go on rumors for now. I do not own Harry Potter, she does.

James hardly noticed the crushing feel of apparating, so great was his fear for Sirius, his grief for Lily, that he could hardly breathe anyway. His lungs had turned to stone and his throat felt sticky and dry, terror stealing over him as he looked at the door in front of him. Never had he found it so hard to simply knock at his best friend's house.

He did, and there was no answer.

_It's ok, it's ok, it doesn't mean anything – he's just…just gone – gone to get help – he knew what was going on, he's gone to help, that's all…_

He stood. He waited. Minutes passed but still no answer. He knocked again, harder this time, not knowing why he bothered if he was so sure Sirius had gone to help him. But he knew. A part of him knew, even as he refused to acknowledge it. His heart, so often at loggerheads with any rational thought in his mind, wouldn't let him simply believe what his brain had figured out long before it even noticed. He had known since he saw Lily on the floor. Still, he hammered on the door –

'Sirius!' He yelled desperately, '_Sirius_ – it's me, it's James, get out here – SIRIUS – this isn't funny – ' But there was no reply.

_No._

It was impossible – a small, childish part of him honestly believed that it was truly impossible for Sirius to be dead – he was asleep, that was it, this was some awful nightmare, some terrible invention of his mind – Peter wouldn't betray them, he just wouldn't…he _couldn't_ have…

A fresh wave of molten panic swept over him and again he had to fight the nausea, battling back the urge to turn and run, and keep running – to grab Harry and just go, away from here, away from the knowledge that Peter was a traitor, that Lily was dead – he would never need to know for sure what had happened to Sirius…he could fool himself that his friend was alive, he could, _he could_ – if he just turned around now, and ran…

Moving jerkily, his hand shaking uncontrollably, he delved into his pocket for his wand and pointed it at the door, which crashed open and bounced off the wall behind it, splinters of wood flying off and scattering onto the floor, but he didn't care; still shaking, James stepped forwards.

Nothing seemed to have changed; nothing was any different to what it usually was. Everything was still in one piece, no different to how Sirius had it normally.

That is, until he came to the living room. He pushed open the door and had barely registered what his eyes saw before he threw up, stumbling back out the door with a scream of despair, hitting the wall behind him and sinking to the floor, squeezing his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to blot out what he had seen, tearing at his hair, the yell rent his lungs apart and tore his throat, but that pain was nothing, nothing to the one in his chest, the literal heartache and horror that filled every particle of him…he wanted to escape, he needed to, he needed to get away from here, away from his own head, his own thoughts, his own memories…none of this could have happened, Lily couldn't be dead, Sirius couldn't be dead…it hadn't, happened, it hadn't, it hadn't, it hadn't…

But it had.

Peter had betrayed them.

Lily was dead.

Sirius was dead.

He was alive.

How was he alive?

He didn't know. He didn't care. He wished he had died. He wished he _could _die, now…he wished the pain would just _stop_…

Remus.

The name hit him out of nowhere, slammed into him like a kick in the chest; if anyone knew of a way to change what had happened…any form of time travel…_anything_, Remus would.

8-8-8

In a daze, James somehow managed to get to Remus' house. He didn't remember how. All he knew was one minute he was on the floor of Sirius' hallway, the next he was in front of Remus' door, facing a tired and confused looking friend whose eyes had filled with concern just seeing him.

He couldn't bear to say it. He couldn't bear to see the look on Remus' face. His mouth refused to form the words.

'James?' Asked Remus warily, heavy dread stealing over him, 'what's wrong? What's happened?' He had never seen James look so despairing.

'Lily - Lily and Sirius – I tried…I found – Lily, she – she – and Sirius…but Harry – I – Peter – Voldemort killed…but I…I couldn't…I_ can't_, I can't - I need…' He trailed off, fear and grief finally forming themselves into sheer exhaustion; he ached all over but he had to stay standing, he had to _try_…how could simply finding the energy to keep breathing be so difficult?

'What? Peter and Voldemort? What about Lily and Sirius?' He asked, a definite note of panic in his voice. If he would let himself admit it, he could probably have guessed what was wrong, but he wouldn't. He couldn't.

'Peter betrayed us…Voldemort – he – he attacked and…I was holding the mirror… Sirius - and Lily - he killed them…Voldemort killed them…but Harry…he's a - alive…' Remus stood there, silently, hatred and anger and grief and shock all washing over him at once, so strong it was as if he would drown in it.

'We have to change it, Remus, we have to. It can't have happened.' James pleaded, Remus would understand, he would help – _somebody_ had to help…

'How long ago?' Remus asked, his voice cracking. It was all he could say, he didn't know how to react, what to say, what to do, but without a flicker of a doubt he would change what had happened in any way possible. For once, nothing else mattered. The consequences didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

'I - I dunno…I was knocked out…a few - a few hours, I guess?' He prayed it wasn't too long…if he knew what Remus was thinking…time turners had a limit on them, if time had gone longer than that limit then there was no changing it.

There would be nothing they could do. There _had_ to be something they could do.

'Should work…' he muttered, so numb from shock that the grief wouldn't even register. _No_, he thought – it didn't have to. There would be nothing to grieve about…they would save them…they had to save them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer-I own nothing you recognize.**

**An – I know Fudge wasn't actually Minister at the time, but for ease of writing, he is in this.**

'We haven't got time to apply for one Remus, we need a time turner _now_.' James was close to shouting, he knew it wasn't Remus fault, that hadn't done anything wrong, that he felt almost as bad as he did, but he couldn't help it. His wife was dead. One of his best friends had been killed, another was the betrayer who had caused it, and he had left his son barely minutes after finding his wife's body, something he had already been traumatized enough over having seen her being killed. And he had left him. But, he thought in a vain attempt to relinquish his grief and guilt, he had not left him alone, and he had left him so he could change what had happened.

'I know, James, don't you think I want it too? If you have any other suggestions of how to get one, please, fill me in.' He replied angrily, no more with James than James was with him, though, but neither knew what to do, or how to do it. How could either of them know how they were supposed to act?

'I don't know – Dumbledore - he's got to be able to do _something,_ he's _Dumbledore _for crying out loud.' It was their last hope, they had been through every other idea they could think of and still neither knew of any way they could get their hands on a time turner. Strictly speaking, it was illegal, unless they specifically applied and did a whole list of other legal things…getting permission off Ministry officials, signatures, licenses, or temporary licenses…it took too long. Far too long, they already cutting it short as it was, it had been almost six hours, and though they couldn't figure out the exact limit – both were able to guess that it was some time soon.

'We can try. I can't see what else we can do.' James nodded shortly.

8-8-8

They re-appeared outside the castle gates, but they were chained shut. Remus pointed his wand so viciously at the castle James actually jumped as the silvery creature sped through the gates.

They had waited a full five minutes before they finally saw someone coming towards them, and it seemed like an age before they eventually got to the gates and opened them, but it barely more than a minute.

'James – Remus, what-?' It was McGonnagle, looking uncharacteristically afraid when she caught sight of the expressions on the pair's faces.

'We haven't got time Professor, we need to see Dumbledore.' James cut across her, and though she looked taken aback and slightly annoyed, she quickly agreed,

'He's in his office -' She began to say, calling after them as they ran across the grounds without looking back, 'The password's 'droobles'!'

Their lungs burning, James and Remus crashed through the door to the Headmaster's office without a second thought, clutching stitches in their sides and not sparing a glance for Dumbledore's look of confusion.

'James, Remus – what on Earth is the matter?' Dumbledore looked up from the letter he had been reading, a frown of concern creasing his forehead,

'W-we need - a…time turner.' Remus panted,

'Why? What's happened?' He asked, uncharacteristically sharply, concern evident in his voice.

'We haven't got – time – we need one now we…we haven't…' James stuttered, partly from sheer breathlessness from having run from the gates to Dumbledore's office, and partly from panic as the sheer incomprehensible size of the matter rose up in front of him again

'I am afraid I do not have one, James, although I may be able to acquire one – please, what has happened?'

'Voldemort attacked…Lily and Sirius…but me a – and Harry, we – I need a time turner – we need to change it. They can't be dead, they _can't_ be – '

'Please, sir…' Remus said, almost begging as a shadow of a doubt crossed Dumbledore's face.

'I will try, but I cannot control the ministry.' He replied, before doing a very complex bit of magic, which temporarily lifted the anti-apparation charm on his office. 'Wait here, and please, do not leave, I will be as fast as is possible.' With that he disapperated, leaving the two friends frustrated, confused, desperate and overwhelmed by grief, but with no desire, at that moment in time, to leave their former Headmaster's office. For a while at least.

8-8-8

'Cornelius this is urgent.' Dumbledore said, his voice bearing an unusually frustrated edge now, 'I do not know the details but two people are dead – perhaps two of the best Aurors the Ministry has, but that can be changed, I assure you, Remus and James know what they are doing, they will not endanger anyone by doing this.'

'But Dumbledore, you know as well as I do that if I granted time turners to every family member or grieving friend when someone dies-'

'I am asking for the lives of two people, Cornelius, two extremely talented Aurors. Nothing else will be changed, and the entire wizarding world - and possibly muggle - stands to gain from just these two lives.'

'Dumbledore, I know, but you can't honestly expect -' Fudge began, clearly intimidated by the more powerful (and much taller) wizard stood in his office.

'Cornelius, you know very well I could get one myself if I so wished, but I saw it more polite to request one first.' Dumbledore knew the risks, and he knew the laws. He also saw Fudge's point, if everyone was granted a time turner every time something unfortunate happened, it would be chaos. But he was asking for one time turner, to try and save two people's lives, which would most likely in turn save many more people's lives, witches, wizards and muggles alike. That was to say nothing for that fact that he wanted Lily and Sirius dead about as much Remus and James did. Fudge didn't fail to notice the masked threat in Dumbledore's voice.

'But - well…Dumbledore – I - oh alright then! But on your own head be it…'

'Could you summon one, or shall I? I do not have time to walk.' Dumbledore replied, politely, though his expression didn't soften at all. Fudge seemed as if he was about to say something, but merely sighed and shook his head, flicking his wand so that a time turner appeared on the table.

'Thank you. I assure you, the necessary paperwork will be filled out later.' Dumbledore took it, inclined his head and strode out.

8-8-8

'Have you got it?' James leapt up as Dumbledore apparated in; in reply, he held out the thin chain, which James snatched immediately, with a rushed word of thanks,

'You had better go before the limit runs over; you can still apparate from here - go to the house and go back from there.'

'Thank you, Professor.' Remus stood up,

'Go.' Dumbledore inclined his head to each of them in turn as they apparated.

8-8-8

Because of their own anti-apparation wards, they appeared just a few meters away from the back of the house, and James was already looping the chain around their heads before they had even managed to steady themselves. He wound the tiny hourglass back as far as it would go, hoping desperately that it was far enough. Without a second to loose, as soon as they arrived James ripped off the time turner and tore towards the door, Remus on his heels,

'I can't h - hear any sp – spells – is that g - good or b - bad?' Remus panted as he ran, unsure whether it meant the duel was over or hadn't begun yet,

'I don't-' James ripped the door open and stopped, horrified. The room was destroyed; scorch marks along the walls, shattered glass, broken furniture…the duel was over, it had to be. But hoping and praying that something had happened while he was unconscious that stopped the fighting for a few minutes, and that was why it was quiet, he only paused or a few seconds, his chest tight and his legs shaky, he gulped and stepped in.

Slower than they wanted to, really, Remus and James walked carefully through the rubble. If Voldemort really was still there then they could attack, but not if he saw them. They looked at each other, took a deep breath, and pushed the door to the living room open. What James saw almost made him throw up for the second time that night, he fell to his knees in despair, yelling out in rage and practically pulling his own hair out, screwing his face up against the sight. They were too late.

An – Will trade cookies and ice cream for reviews.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer-I own nothing you recognize.**

**An - Hope you like - review! Ok, here we go…**

James sat with his head resting on his palms in Harry's room at Remus' house, his eyes closed. But he was by no means tired; he wouldn't be able to sleep even if he was. Three days had passed and with nothing; no breakthrough, not even the tiniest tease of an idea. They had searched everything on time travel they could think of, checked every book they could find, and still nothing. But James was determined not to give up; he would find a way to bring them back or he would die trying.

For now though, Remus had demanded he try to calm down and he had to admit, as a wide awake as he was, he needed to stop, slow down and get himself together before he actually tried anything. The sound of his son's steady breathing as he slept was strangely comforting and he found himself breathing in time with him, the sound of it soothing, the feeling that he still had his son, and reminder of why he had to carry on, whatever happened in relation to Lily and Sirius, he had his son to think about, he to be there for Harry.

8-8-8

Remus rubbed his eyes and squinted at the page. The words were blurry, the text was tiny, but he couldn't sleep, he wouldn't. He had told James he needed to but the truth was he was finding it just as hard to put his mind at rest, just make it _stop_ for a second; equally exhausted, he could barely keep his eyes from falling shut, but when he closed them he just ended up snapping them open again, unable to stand the thought of sleeping while Lily and Sirius...

He yawned widely and blinked at the page in a fruitless attempt to read it, but after several more minutes – or perhaps longer, he didn't know – of pointless blinking and rubbing of his heavy eyelids, he found himself giving up; there was no way he could read it while he was this tired. He pushed the book away but automatically pulled another towards him, mechanically searching the ancient and brittle pages for something, anything, that might help; this was _useless_, they were getting nowhere but further into collapsing from sheer exhaustion, but he couldn't stand to stop, he couldn't stand to give what had happened a chance to sink in…as long as he kept going, kept reading, kept searching…as long as he didn't stay still for long enough to think, it would be ok…

He jumped at the sight of the words 'time travel' on the page, but it was reference to time turners, and they already knew they were well outside the limit on them…there had to be another way…time turners couldn't possibly be…there was no way they were the _only_ way to time travel, with all the spells, all the magic, all the seemingly impossible things that were in fact easily possible in the world, there had to be _something_, surely, anything...

8-8-8

Dumbledore paced his office, for once, frustrated, he _knew _there was a spell, he _knew_ it, and yet now that they needed it he couldn't remember it. Arrogant as it may have seemed, there were very few things he didn't know about magic, and even fewer he couldn't recall once he had heard of them, which made not being able to help almost a completely alien experience to him.

It was like trying to describe a dream; the vague images, the _idea_ lurked, half hidden, at the back of his mind, no more than a silhouette, so he knew it was there, he could almost see it, he could _feel_ it's presence, but couldn't find the words to put it in, couldn't form it into coherent thought…it was more infuriating than if he hadn't known it at all, worse even than being sure he couldn't help because he _could_, he just didn't know _how_…and what if there was a limit? There almost always was, but how long did this one give them? He was certain it would be long enough, but only if could just manage to compose his useless old mind to _think_.

He stopped dead, facing the window. He should have known. _He should have known_. Why hadn't he thought of it before? With all the extraordinary things in his mind, why had this one refused to surface? It was so simple, so very _perfect -_!

He strode from his office with a sweep of his long cloak, down the staircase with it rippling behind him as he went, along a corridor, more stairs…somewhere near - there! He paced in front of an apparently blank stretch of wall, turned and opened his eyes, almost afraid of what might (or might not) be there – he breathed a sigh of relief, but didn't relax.

Reaching out, he pulled open the door which had materialised on the wall and flicked his wand so the dull room beyond was lit up; an ancient library, filled from floor to ceiling with endless copies of dusty, tattered books with faded covers and cracked spines, resting on aged wooden shelves that were bowed and sagged under the weight of thousands upon thousands of pages, filled with the theories and longings of once brilliant witches and wizards...a papery smell hung on the air, which seemed to tingle with the magic held within the leather-bound volumes, centuries of knowledge packed into a single room.

And he needed a single book; every single tome in the room was devoted to time travel, second only to control over death in the yearnings of thousands, and he needed only one of them. Raising his wand a second time, he murmured to the empty, still air, and with a burst of dust and a scraping noise, it slid from the shelf which had housed it and landed in Dumbledore's waiting hand.

**An – I'm not doing very well with this chapter length thing, am I?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer-I am not JK Rowling. I do not own Harry Potter.**

**An-Here goes…sorry for shortness! The next chapter only worked on its own so I couldn't attach it to this one.**

Dumbledore had flicked through the book to be sure that there was actually something in there before he had even mentioned it to James or Remus; it would be cruel to get their hopes up and then destroy them again. To his great relief, he found a spell, complicated though it looked, there appeared to be no time limit.

'So it – it could work?' Remus asked; uncertainty and desperation all too evident in his voice.

'As I said, there is no definite guarantee, but yes, it could.' Dumbledore replied, running his finger down the page in search of the incantation,

'Well, let's go then.' Said James impatiently, pausing in his pacing of Dumbledore's office.

'Stand together please; as still as possible. James, think about when it happened; focus all of your concentration on it. Loosely translated the spell means to send you back to the worst moment in your life; the one you wish to change above all others.' James opened his mouth to say something, but Dumbledore held up a hand to silence him, 'Obviously I do not think it will be hard for you focus on this, but I had to warn you. Think of another memory and you may be sent there. Stand together.' They did, both looking unsure whether to be apprehensive, terrified, even excited.

'When – when we get there – do we focus on saving Lily and Sirius, or – or do we try to kill Voldemort? And how are we supposed to kill Voldemort?' Remus asked quickly. For a moment Dumbledore looked thoughtful, then;

'Confusing as it may seem; I do not believe Voldemort can be killed, as such. He can certainly be delayed; there is no time to explain just now.' He added as James again opened his mouth; this time though, with a look of puzzlement rather than impatience. 'I advise you concentrate on saving Lily and Sirius, though should the chance come by to cast the killing curse on Voldemort, don't hesitate.'

'You said he couldn't be killed, so-'

'A summarized explanation would be that he has - I believe - split his soul, which prevents him from being truly killed until all the pieces are destroyed, however it would be very difficult after the curse has been cast on him for him to retake corporeal form. I am merely guessing here, but I would think that Lily's sacrificing herself protected Harry; he could not be touched by the curse from Voldemort's wand. The curse rebounded; that is why Harry was there and Voldemort wasn't when you woke up. The killing curse should delay him. If you succeed in changing what has happened we will never have had this conversation though, so you won't remember it anyway.' _Which was the only reason he could tell them_.

Dumbledore shook the thought from his mind; now was not the time to worry about divulging such closely held theories.

Remembering what he had said about the spell, Remus tried to concentrate. For a moment his mind flicked to when he was bitten, but he pushed that thought away roughly; Lily and Sirius' lives were more important than his being a werewolf or not. Feeling guilty at the thought of what James would say if he knew what he had first thought of, Remus closed his eyes and concentrated.

Dumbledore murmured a few words they could barely hear…it sounded almost Latin but neither knew any so they couldn't be sure. Nothing appeared to be happening to begin with, but seconds later, and neither knew how, the scene before them vanished. Then they were in nothing; a whirl of sound around them but blackness pressing like a physical presence on their eyes so they could not tell up from down, minutes from seconds, hours from days – it seemed only a moment but at the same time forever before a new scene unfolded around them.

They were stood outside James and Lily's house.

**An – There will now be two more chapters after this, you'll see why next chapter.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer-I own nothing you recognise.**

**An – I hope the relative length of this chapter makes up for the last one... **

'Did it work?' Remus asked immediately, looking around for some sign of the battle. The sound of a curse being shouted from upstairs confirmed it; the duel was still going on.

Without waiting for a reply he tore towards the house, James beside him, both pulling out their wands as they went; they had no plan. They had no idea what they were going to do. They had no time. Neither of them thought of hesitating though, they had to get to Voldemort in time to stop him and they had no way of telling how long the duel had already been going on.

It wouldn't be true to say that the thought of being seen hadn't occurred to either of them, but it was not important. It didn't matter. All that mattered was killing Voldemort.

They took the first few steps at a leap, the same thoughts racing through their minds as they ran…_how had this happened?_ How had everything gone from being so close to being perfect to…_this_? Why had Peter betrayed them? They had trusted him; they all had…that treacherous, evil little - how could he have seen them almost every day, smiling and cheery, like nothing was wrong, when he _knew _what he was going to do, he knew he was going to betray them? Send Voldemort after them, after Harry? Knew he was condemning two of his best friends and a child, a _baby_, to their deaths?

Reaching the top of the stairs, they glanced at one another and, without a word, kicked their way into the room; the sudden noise distracted both the duellers, but James recovered his senses faster, perhaps less confident than his opponent, and sent an impedimenta jinx towards him, the first spell to enter his panicked mind.

'What the -?' He began, too shocked to think straight

'Time travel, long story - _Avada Kedavra_!' Remus explained quickly, shooting the curse as Voldemort started to move again but missing by inches. The expression on the Dark Lord's face could have been fury, or confusion, even fear, but none of the other three men had time to muse over this, however confused or afraid he was, it didn't stop him sending curses at each of them in quick succession so they had to move like lightening to dodge or block them. The past-James was beyond being confused but he had no time to ponder over that so decided that, if he lived, they could explain it then. If he died it wouldn't matter anyway. _No. _ He thought, he was going to live, he was going to see Lily again, and Harry, He would live to see them again…

James' eyes widened in horror when he saw his past self pull out the mirror and couldn't help but yell out in warning,

'_NO_!'

'We need help!'

'Throw it away - throw the mirror away - now!' He ducked as a stream of green light flew towards him and stunned a Death Eater, who had come through the door to help his master, 'Throw it away – NOW, _NOW_!' He repeated. Past-James, confused but with little other choice, threw the mirror to the side and continued to fight.

But again, the moment of indecision cost him, as another of Voldemort's killing curses hit him square in the chest.

'NO!' Remus yelled in desperation as he watched present-James fade before his eyes. In the second it took Remus felt as if he had been filled with lead, terror and shock tearing at him, cutting him so deep he almost expected to see blood – he could not lose them all, not all of them...

8-8-8

Remus and James appeared in the garden –the spell had at least transported them to the house.

'Did it w - oh. My. God.'

'How in Merlin's name -?' James stared around, for a moment all thoughts of Voldemort wiped from his mind. There was a pause, both trying to figure out what had happened and both failing, 'What the hell just happened?'

'Time loop…' Remus muttered under his breath,

'What?'

'Time loop.' Remus repeated. 'You died - the spell - the spell must work so that if something happens it goes in a loop until the events are put right again.' A loud bang from the house jolted them back to reality and again they tore towards the house, again. Up the stairs. Into the room.

Remus immediately shouted for past-James to drop the mirror, which, though bewildered, he did. Voldemort, seeing what had happened and assuming that the mirror was significant in some way, aimed a spell at it and it exploded; shards of glass flying in every direction as it shattered.

The power of the resulting aftershocks threw them off their feet and back against the walls. What could only have been minutes later, Remus stirred, sudden remembrance striking his heart like an icy knife, he sat bolt upright, ignoring the thumping pain in his head and staring wildly around in search of James, of Voldemort…of anyone. His eyes fell on the present-day-James and he shook his shoulder urgently,

'James,' He hissed, 'James - wake up!' James, to, stirred and rubbed his forehead in an attempt to sooth the agony he was suddenly feeling,

He made to get up but stopped halfway,

'The mirror smashed.' He said, 'Why haven't we-?'

'You must not have had time to contact Sirius.' He pulled his friend to his feet and glanced over at James' past self, slumped against the opposite wall; unconscious, but alive. 'We haven't got time to help him.' He was already on his way out the door. James grabbed his wand and followed hurriedly, dread and foreboding overwhelming him, but Lily could not be dead, he reminded himself, they hadn't been sent back so she must still be alive…

To his horror, though, they entered the room too late. The spell hit her as they came in.

8-8-8

Five more times they went through the loop and five more times it changed, but always with the same outcome. Every time something was different; they said something different, they did something different, but every time it was the same. Every time she died. Lily died.

Yet again they appeared outside the house and James made to run inside, willing to try a thousand more times to save her, willing to die a thousand ways if it meant that she survived. But Remus put out his arm and stopped him. His face drawn and his eyes glistening with tears he voiced what they both knew, but neither wanted to admit. The words felt like poison in his mouth.

'We can't save her, James.' He said softly. James whipped around, about to retort, but Remus stopped him. 'We can't do this. If we tried forever we couldn't save her, it can't be changed.'

'You expect me to stand here and watch my wife die?' He spat, suddenly furious. Remus took a deep breath to steady himself before he replied.

'James, I'm sorry. I can't stand it either but we can't save her. Do you want to spend an eternity trying to save her only to see her die a different way every time? Could spend forever trying to change something that cannot be changed? Could you stand seeing her die over and over again? Do it – do it for Harry.'

'And forget about Lily? Leave her to die?'

'No, don't forget her, never forget her, I didn't say that. I would never say that. But you can either live your life with your son or spend forever watching Lily die.' His voice shook but he knew he was right. There was nothing else they could do, they couldn't help, much as he wished they could, there was no way to save her. There would never be a way to save her, and it killed him to say it, but it was true.

'No. I will try, I will save them. I will not leave them to die when I know I could have done something!' He knew Remus was right but he wouldn't admit it, how was he supposed to leave, knowing what was going to happen, what was happening? How could he leave them to die?

'You can't do anything.' A tear slid down Remus' cheek and he fought the urge to scream at the injustice of it all, the rage and agony building up inside him so much it was a miracle he could maintain such a calm voice.

'Why not?' He no longer sounded angry. He was desperate, pleading. He sounded like a child but he didn't care, he wouldn't leave, he couldn't. How was he supposed to live with himself if he did that? It was impossible, it couldn't be real…she couldn't really be gone…her wouldn't let her die, he would save her, he would find some way.

'Because you can't stop this. Sometimes death is accidental, sometimes it's not written in stone but sometimes there's nothing that can be done about it. It happens because it was meant to, however unfair it seems.' James opened his mouth to reply but Remus finally gave in. It hurt too much not to shout, it hurt too much to stand there and act like he didn't care, like it wasn't tearing him up because it was. It was and he couldn't stand it.

'Dammit, James! Do you think I don't care? I want to stop this happening as much as you do but I can't, and I won't spend forever doing this if I know that! I refuse to spend forever watching them die!'

Before James could reply the time 'looped' again. Someone had been killed, but it went hardly noticed by either of the two men, both in too much pain to care.

James wiped the tears from his face furiously and looked at Remus, desperate for some small amount of comfort,

'What about Sirius?'

'He hasn't died every time.' Remus started, his voice once more as calm as he could make it, 'So we may be able to save him. But then we have to break the loop.' He took a deep, shuddering breath to steady himself and continued, 'We only have one more shot at it. We save Sirius, and then we try and break the loop. We can't save Lily. I'm sorry, James. I wish we could, I can't stand leaving her any more than you can but we have too. You have raise Harry, like she would have wanted. Raise him to know how brave his mother was, that she died to save his life. Let him know her through you. Please.'

8-8-8

James had been sat by Lily's body for more than an hour, in total silence. He held her hand loosely and let the tears fall freely, torn apart by grief and guilt and regret, by the pain of the memories cascading down on him…Lily when he first saw her on the Hogwarts Express, her eyes glistening with excitement…their first date…Lily throwing her arms around him when he proposed…Lily smiling at him, the room practically glowing with infectious joy when she held Harry for the first time…Harry's first Christmas…his birthday… the joy they had had and never would again.

He brushed a red lock of hair off her face with a shaking hand and leant forward, kissing her forehead one last time before straightening up, trying in vain to stem the seemingly endless flow of tears, never taking his eyes off her face, as beautiful in death as it had been in life, so peaceful that she could have been sleeping.

They had saved Sirius. His past self was unconscious, but he was alive and Remus had said it was best to leave things to play out naturally now, and even as he sat there new memories of what had happened had started to form in his mind…the past changed, the future laid out. But a future without Lily. Could he stand that?

'James?' Came Remus' voice from behind him. He tried to speak gently but to James every sound was magnified to ten times it's normal level…sharp and cutting…as though if it were silent for long enough she could come back…as though it was indecent to do something so normal as speak when Lily never could again...

He finally tore his eyes away, reality hitting when he could no longer see her. She was gone. She was gone. Lily was gone.

He walked as if in a trance towards Remus, who handed him his sleeping son,

'We have to go now.'

**An-Tell me if it's bad. There will now be one more chapter than I planned (thanks to my wonderful beta-****SesaGirl**** -thank you so much!) **


	7. Epilogue

**Disclaimer-Again, I own nothing you recognise.**

**An-Last chapter! Another short chapter, but I hope you like it anyway.**

James watched Harry empty his bag of sugary loot from trick-or-treating (a muggle tradition the four-year old had insisted on trying) onto the floor and smiled sadly, his mind straying to Lily, as it always did at Halloween.

Three years and still he couldn't shake the feeling that he could have done something, anything. That he could have saved her. But the way Dumbledore had explained it, Lily's death had been what had saved Harry, so in saving her would he have been sacrificing his own son? Either way it seemed he would have been responsible for a death. Except that he wasn't responsible. Voldemort was; Pettigrew was.

It had taken both James and Remus hours to convince Sirius not go after him, and even then every ounce of their own self control not to go themselves.

But if he had stayed in the time loop, he would have been doing exactly what he hated Pettigrew for, betraying his son. Abandoning him. Every time he thought about it he waged a war with himself; the part of his mind that would never forgive himself for leaving her, and the part that knew Moony was right. He couldn't have saved her, and he wouldn't have been able to stand watching her die over and over, filled with false hope and having it destroyed repeatedly for an eternity.

The best he could do was make sure Harry knew about her, about what she had been like…what she had done for him…moving pictures of her were all around the house and he often told him stories about her, but always as if that was what they were; just stories. Harry knew, of course, what they were really about, he knew what had happened, but it was easier for James that way. If he told him as if it was real it only made the pain worse.

He smiled through tears he hadn't known were falling and scooped Harry, who was stood watching him, onto his knee. He looked up at his father, his young face filled with sympathy and innocent curiosity,

'Why are you crying?' He asked, wiping James' cheek with his sleeve,

'It doesn't matter Harry.' James replied, blinking back the tears and forcing a sad smile.

'Yes it does.' Harry replied stubbornly, 'People cry when they're sad. Are you sad?' James smiled again. So much like Lily, so very much like Lily...

'Yes, I am. But don't worry.' Harry saw James glance towards one of the many photos on the mantelpiece and realised what he was thinking,

'Is it about mummy?'

'Yeah…' James took a breath and swallowed, checking his watch, 'And you'll be asleep all day tomorrow if you don't go to bed now.' He said in a falsely cheery voice, getting to his feet as Harry slid off his lap, disappointed,

'Do I have to?' He frowned and pouted moodily,

'Yes.' James replied simply, reaching out his hand for his son to take,

'Only if you tell me a story,' He crossed his arms stubbornly and stared up at James, his face set in determination. James laughed and picked him up (had he always been so heavy?), resting him on his hip and carrying him slowly up the stairs,

'What about?'

'The one about the pretty lady,' He knew who she was, but he liked pretending it was a story, that way he could make up his own ending to it. Like in real stories where everyone ended up happy and the good guys always won.

'I don't remember that one; you'll have to remind me. What lady?' James made a face of mock thought and Harry giggled,

'The one where she was brave and pretty and the boy fell in love with her but he acted really silly so she didn't love him back but then the boy stopped being silly and they got married!' He explained, his words tumbling over each other like he couldn't get them out fast enough; he loved that story.

'Oh, _that_ one!' James exclaimed, as though suddenly remembering something, 'Here goes then.' He paused dramatically and lowered his voice so it was barely more than a whisper, wishing as much as his son that Lily's story had turned out the same as the fairytale he told it as. 'Not so long ago and not so very far away, there was a boy, and he was a wizard. He was never very interested in girls, until he saw a very beautiful girl called Lily, and he fell in love her…'

An - Thanks again to SesaGirl, she rocks. 


	8. The SECOND epilogue?

**Disclaimer – I never have and never will own Harry Potter, or 'The Dance' by Garth Brooks.**

**An – Ok, so I finished this fanfiction and haven't been near it for over two years, and now I'm updating. Why, I hear you ask? Well, you have ****WhiteFire86**** to thank for that – one review and one mention of a song, and my muse was off...**

**So anyway; the second 'epilogue'...**

The four of them arrived at the Station with time to spare, mostly thanks to Remus, whose 'unnatural habit of waking up at an ungodly hour of the morning' still had Sirius grumbling.

Harry was pushing his trolley with a sort of terrified excitement that all three adults were familiar with, and James felt a pang of fear himself at the thought of leaving his son – what if something happened? He had voiced his concerns to Sirius and Remus – careful that he was out of earshot of Harry, who was becoming bored of his father's over-protectiveness – and both had assured him that Hogwarts was the safest place on Earth, Dumbledore was there for one thing, and for another, Remus was this year taking up the post of Defence teacher, so he could, and would, keep an eye on the youngest Potter. None of this was enough to convince James.

'Now, are you sure you have everything?' He asked his son, who rolled a pair of brilliant green eyes and slowed down exasperatedly,

'That's the millionth time you've asked that question, dad. I'll be _fine_.'

'I have not asked a million times!' James exclaimed, pasting a look of mock indignation onto his face,

'Forty seven.' Sirius interjected, 'And he's right, Prongs, relax, ok? Moony'll be there.'

'You don't even have to go, you know,' James continued, ignoring Sirius, 'you can still change your mind and I can home-school you – '

'_Dad!_'

'Yeah, I don't see you as much of a teacher, James,' said Remus, 'you caused enough trouble as a student.'

'School was a long time ago.' James replied, an edge to his voice that both his fellow Marauders knew had more to do with grief than irritation. School _had_ been a long time ago. A lot had changed since then.

James hardly noticed himself walking through the barrier, so engrossed was he in watching his son, without really seeing him...seeing _himself_. If he had known, then, what would happen in the future – Peter, and Lily...would he even have wanted to get on the train or would he have turned and run? If Harry could see his own future now, would he keep going, would he still be so excited, or would he go back now, terrified, dreading what would happen?

_Looking back_

_On the memory of_

_The dance we shared_

'_Neath the stars above_

_For a moment_

_All the world was right_

_And how could I have known_

_That you'd ever say goodbye?_

'Ok, you're _absolutely sure_ – '

'Yes!' Harry, Sirius and Remus chorused,

'Just checking!' James exclaimed, holding his hands up defensively, 'but you make sure you owl, ok?'

'_Yes_.' Harry sighed, while the snowy owl whose cage was perched precariously on top of his trunk hooted in agreement,

'And if you feel homesick at all – '

'Da – _ad_!'

'I'm joking, I'm joking. You'll be fine.' He smiled softly and hugged him, 'I'm proud of you, Harry,' he tousled his son's hair, laughing as the eleven year old squirmed away and tried pointlessly to flatten it down again, 'and you're mum would have been too, really she would have - _whatever_ house you end up in.'

'But it had better be Gryffindor or I at least will disown you.' Said Sirius; Remus slapped him in the back of the head and Sirius pouted playfully.

'You'll be fine, kiddo.' He told Harry, hugging him and adding in a whisper, with a glance at James, who smiled, 'just make sure you keep an eye out for the map, ok? Filch confiscated it so it's probably in his office somewhere...unless he burnt it.' Harry giggled and Sirius winked; Remus' eyes narrowed suspiciously.

'What are you two talking about? You aren't trying to get him into detentions already, are you?' But his mouth was twitching,

'We solemnly swear we're up to no good.' Harry and Sirius replied as one; a second later all four of them were laughing and James saw, again, a younger him saying goodbye to his parents almost in this very spot twenty years ago...had it really been so long? He had met Sirius here, and Lily on the train...Harry glanced up at him and he saw her in his eyes, a wave of grief, dulled only slightly over the intervening years, rolled over him, threatened to drown him once more – it had been ten years, he told himself, ten years since she had died...

'We'd better get going,' said Remus, checking his watch, 'think you can manage without the cloak, James?'

'I object to the implication that I would do something so immature as to give my eleven year old son the single most effective aid to pranking in the history of Hogwarts!' He paused thoughtfully, 'ok, I see your point. Do make sure he doesn't get into _too_ much trouble, though, Moony. Make sure he's ok.' He added, more seriously.

'I will,' he promised, and, smiling, pointed to Harry, who had moved a few feet away and was chatting to three red haired boys, one his age, the other two older and identical. As they watched, he pushed up his fringe and shuffled his feet awkwardly when the three gasped and gazed at him in awe. 'Look, he's making friends already.'

'Get going,' said Sirius, 'before James has a nervous breakdown.'

'See you at Christmas,' Remus said, turning away,

'Bye Harry!' James called, waving enthusiastically,

'Bye dad, bye Padfoot!'

'We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat!' Called one of the read haired twins to his younger sister; Sirius laughed.

'How come we never did anything like that?' He asked, while James smiled,

'I think our Hogwarts years were plenty eventful enough to be honest.' Sirius paused, as though considering this,

'Yeah, I see what you mean.' The two fell silent as they waved the train out of sight sadly, seeing Harry's face stuck out the window amongst many others doing the same, fading into the distance.

'Seriously, Prongs, he's you and Lily to the core; he can take care of himself.'

'Yeah,' James agreed, 'He can.'

_And now_

_I'm glad I didn't know_

_The way it all would end_

_The way it all would go_

_Our lives_

_Are better left to chance_

_I could have missed the pain_

_But I'd have had to miss the dance..._

8-8-8

It only took a week for James to wish Filch hadn't confiscated the Map all that time ago; why had they never made more of an effort to get it back? He wished he could have it just to watch his son's dot, make sure he was safe...he knew how stupid he was being, but every time he tried to back away he saw Harry, ten years ago, in that rubble with Lily's body beside him...

He had received a brief letter the day after he had seen Harry off on the train, telling him everything was fine, not to worry, and assuring him that Harry had indeed been sorted into Gryffindor, along with the red haired boy from the Station – whom James learned was called Ron Weasley – and a very bossy girl called Hermione Granger, among others. Harry and Ron had avoided her so far, apparently.

But despite the fact that it had only been seven days since he last saw Harry, despite having both Dumbledore and Remus looking out for him, despite everything, James couldn't help but worry; what if something happened and he, James, wasn't there to help him?

8-8-8

Remus clapped his hands together in a business-like manner and smiled kindly at the classroom full of nervous first years; Neville Longbottom's round face showed the most fear, and Hermione Granger was sat on the edge of her seat, looking anxious to be the first to answer any question put to her.

For a first lesson, it didn't go too badly, although they didn't do very much actual magic; Remus had talked for a while and introduced the subject, asking a few simple questions as he did – to the amazement of everyone, especially the notoriously forgetful boy himself – Neville had managed to answer twice and earn Gryffindor house points in the process. Hermione, of course, was the one to put her hand up most often and by the end of the lesson had toted up more points than the rest of them put together. She seemed rather proud of herself, although she had turned beetroot red when awarded them.

'Harry, could you come here a moment please?' Asked Remus as the rest of the class filed out when the lunch bell rang,

'I'll wait outside,' said Ron, glancing curiously at Professor Lupin and spending an unnecessarily long time closing the door on his way out.

'Enjoying Hogwarts?' Harry nodded, knowing that this couldn't be the only reason Moony had held him back,

'I wish first years could be on the Quidditch teams though.' Remus laughed,

'You will be, just give it a year, ok?' He paused, 'and speaking of giving things a chance – what about Hermione?' Harry frowned in confusion, 'Maybe you ought to talk to her a bit.'

'But she's so _bossy_,' Harry protested, 'if she just – '

'She might be more relaxed if you and Ron gave her a poke in the right direction. And you never know; she might do you some good as well. Just think about it, ok?'

'Ok,' Harry agreed quietly; how was it that Moony could make him feel so guilty without even accusing him of anything?

'And have you written to James yet?'

'Once. Moony, why aren't we allowed in the third floor corridor?' He asked suddenly, hoping if he kept pestering him then Remus would eventually give in and tell him. After all, it would be much easier to stay away if only they knew _why_.

'That's for me to know and you _not_ to find out.' He replied, smiling, 'And no Marauder-esk missions to find out, either. There's a very good reason for it. Write to James again if you want something to keep you occupied; he'll be going mad by now. And you'd better go to lunch; Ron's probably starving to death out there.' Harry grinned and waved as he left to find Ron, his mind buzzing with competing theories about the mysterious corridor.

8-8-8

Harry waited until Ron had started eating before broaching the subject of Hermione with him.

'...Moony says we should give her a chance.'

'As soon as she stops trying to get us all to do extra work,' said Ron, though he looked a little guilty, 'did you ask about the third floor?'

'He wouldn't tell me anything.' Ron sighed.

'What's the point in knowing the teachers if they won't give you any extra information? And why do you call him 'Moony' anyway?' Harry shrugged,

'It's what my dad calls him; it was his nickname at school.'

'_Moony_?' Ron repeated doubtfully.

'Yeah; my dad was Prongs and my Godfather's Padfoot –' He broke off at the sound of a loud thud from behind him. Turning, he saw Fred and George Weasley; the latter helping the former up, as he had evidently walked into George when he stopped dead on hearing their conversation.

'What are you two staring at?' Demanded Ron,

'_Prongs_?' Said George, looking awestruck,

'_Padfoot_?' Continued Fred, now upright again, his eyes wide. '_Moony_?'

Harry nodded, 'and they had another friend called –'

'Wormtail?'

'- but he...betrayed them. How did you know?' George looked at him,

'Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, as in –'

'-the Marauders?' Finished Fred; Ron looked between his brothers and now beaming friend, utterly confused,

'Your dad was a Marauder? _Professor Lupin -?_' Harry nodded.

'How do you know about the Marauders?'

'Well,' Fred began,

'When we were in first year –'

'For reasons utterly unbeknownst to us, I assure you –'

'We were summoned to our dear caretaker's office –'

'Where, under fire of the usual threats, we discovered –'

'_This_.' George pulled from inside his robes a very battered looking piece of parchment with a flourish, and Harry's grin, if possible, grew wider.

'What in the name of Merlin is that supposed to be?' Asked Ron. Harry and the twins looked at one another, then back at Ron, answering together;

'The Marauders Map.'

8-8-8

_Dad – _

_The first week here's been great, except Moony won't tell us why the third floor corridor's closed. Have you got any idea?_

_But anyway – I just thought I'd let you know I'm fine – and guess what? You remember those twins from the Station? Well they're Ron's brothers, Fred and George, and they overheard us talking about you, Padfoot and Moony – and they knew you were the Marauders! They've found the map! When they found out 'Prongs' was my dad, they gave it to me; I can't believe they did, it's brilliant, how did you manage to make it on your own? _

_Make sure you tell Padfoot, ok? And say hi for me. I'll write to you again soon._

_Harry._

James smiled at the brief letter and marvelled at the fact that in a single week Harry had managed to find a map which had been missing for over well over a decade – and indeed the luck that he would befriend the brother of the boys who had somehow got it away from Filch.

Maybe Harry would be ok without him after all.

Still, despite everything the worry still niggled at the back of his mind, and the thought that had struck him the day at King's Cross refused to go away. What if he _had_ known what would happen? Would he have refused to get on the train?

If he had never met Lily, never married her, she would still be alive, happy – _with someone else_. But she would be _alive_; if he had never met Peter, they would never have been betrayed by him. If he, James, had just done one simple thing...refused to board the train...she would still be alive today.

_Holding you, I held everything_

_For a moment, wasn't I the king?_

_If I'd only known_

_How the king would fall_

_Hey who's to say?_

_You know I might have changed it all_

Sighing heavily and blinking back tears, James glanced up and his eyes fell automatically on the photograph at the centre of the mantelpiece; he, Lily and Harry shortly after his son's first birthday...sometime in August, he thought; maybe early September. They were stood in the garden, smiling and squinting in the bright sun and waving at the camera – happy. Sirius had taken the photo, he remembered.

8-8-8

_The photo taken, Lily shifted Harry so he rested more comfortably on her hip, fighting to hide a smile as the cat, strolling across the grass, spotted Sirius and froze in its tracks, then turned and bolted._

'_I think she remembers you, Padfoot.' Said James, watching the fleeing feline,_

'_That poor cat never gets a moment's peace,' Lily said, shaking her head sympathetically, 'in between you transforming and chasing her round the house, you giving Harry a broomstick so he can frighten the life out of her – it all comes back to you, doesn't it?'_

'_Now, Lily, be fair.' James smiled, 'he can't help it, being a dog only makes him _marginally_ more intelligent,' he ducked as Sirius took a playful swing at him, while Remus, stood watching the scene, rolled his eyes and exchanged a look of exasperation with Lily,_

'_I _will_ hurt you, James Potter.' Growled Sirius, 'and as for the broomstick incident; I was only bowing to the inevitable, you know he's going to be a great Quidditch player one day. Aren't you, Harry?' Harry giggled and waved chubby hands to the sky,_

'_Kidih!' He shouted, 'Kidih, Kidih!'_

'_What in the world is that supposed to mean, Lily?' Sirius asked,_

'_I don't know, he keeps saying it though, don't you?' She smiled and bounced Harry up and down gently,_

'_You don't _know_? Lily Potter, mistress of baby jargon, doesn't _know_?'_

'_I only said that mothers could _often_ tell what their babies meant better than other people, I never said –'_

'_You know,' interrupted James, 'I think he might be trying to say 'Quidditch'.' Remus looked doubtful,_

'_James, he's barely a year old. He can't say 'Quidditch'.'_

'_That's why I said _trying_, and it's in the Potter blood, of course he can!'_

'_Your arrogance astounds me, oh great and noble melon-headed one.' Said Sirius, bowing dramatically,_

'_If we're going to talk about arrogance, you're as bad as he is,' commented Lily; Sirius responded by sticking his tongue out at her and from there it degenerated into good natured bickering, mostly on the part of James and Sirius, while Lily and Remus exchanged well-practised looks of incredulity at the two's immaturity._

8-8-8

James wasn't sure why the memory hit him so hard only now, when the picture had been there for years, but he thought perhaps it was his brain's way of reminding him what he would have missed if he had never got on the train. Maybe he could have changed things; maybe he should have. If he ever had the chance, he would rescue Lily in a heartbeat, but could he stand the thought of what he would have missed if he had never met her in the first place?

He swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled a quill and some parchment towards him to reply to Harry; ten years of knowing Lily would never be enough, but it was better than never knowing her at all.

_And now_

_I'm glad I didn't know_

_The way it all would end_

_The way it all would go_

_Our lives_

_Are better left to chance_

_I could have missed the pain_

_But I'd have had to miss the dance..._

**An – Mischief Managed.**

**...I think.**


End file.
